Dirty sexy bible stories

Mined from the notebooks, May 28, 2017. Posted Friday, June 2.

Lot and His Daughters by Francesco Hayez.

Following up on my post, All the idiots, two by two: The bible’s a strange book to take as the literal word of God, the first two-thirds of the Old Testament particularly. Taken at face value, it’s an anthology of folk tales, fairy tales, myths, legends, just-so stories, fables, poems, prose poems, and historical narratives that all seem to share a single theme: people stink and they’re stupid, as well as being rather randy and bloody-minded monsters in their treatment of each other. The ones who set themselves up as kings and tyrants are especially randy, bloody-minded, and monstrous. God appears regularly to meddle, usually with fatal results for the heroes as well as the villains and much collateral damage among the innocent bystanders. Somehow all his meddling---and mass murdering---adds up in the minds of many Christians to proof that the universe is ruled by a benevolent deity who has the best interests of his “children” at heart.

But much of what’s in there is storytelling for storytelling’s sake, although again with the shared theme that people stink and they’re stupid as well as being rather randy and bloody-minded monsters towards one another. And there doesn’t seem to be any moral to these stories. Take the story of the Levite’s concubine. I did once, actually. Back in grad school. It was one of the best stories I wrote in Iowa. I turned it into a Hawthorne-esque morality tale set in the wilds of upstate New York in the 17th Century. I called it “Van Zandt’s Whore”. The fiction editor at the Atlantic told me he couldn’t publish it under that title. I offered to change the title. Then he told me he couldn’t publish it because it was too long. I offered to cut it down. That forced him to tell me he couldn’t publish it because although he thought it was a good story, it wasn’t good enough for the Atlantic, maybe I should try the New Yorker. I’d hold a grudge but he tried to publish two other stories of mine---neither of which were biblically inspired or at all Hawthorne-esque---but it his boss who told him that although they were good stories they weren’t good enough for the Atlantic. Him I hold a grudge against. Or I would. But he’s eighty years old now and hasn’t edited the magazine since 1999. He was succeeded by Michael Kelly.

Kelly was killed in Iraq before he got a chance to turn down any of my stories.

So it goes.

That’s a literary allusion. You might not have caught it. I’m that subtle. It’s amazing the Atlantic never published my stuff. Or the New Yorker.

By the way, I did try the New Yorker, many times, and I was told pretty much the same thing by Roger Angell when he was the fiction editor there. Good stuff, but not good enough for the New Yorker, maybe I should try the Atlantic.

Anywho…

Another of those strange stories that seem to be in there for storytelling’s sake is the story of Lot and his daughters and what happened to them after they escaped from Sodom. It’s one of the stories Mr Schick didn’t have us read in our sixth grade religion class. Probably for the best. If I’d read it back then it might have become one of my favorite bible stories for all the wrong reasons. It has been a favorite story among painters though. For all the wrong reasons that are the right reasons when put on canvass. One thing the bible has been good for: inspiring artists who wanted to paint their models naked and get the pope’s blessing while they were at it. Francesco Hayez, for example. He painted the painting up top.

And Rubens...

I prefer the Hayez, but only because I think it’s truer to God’s word.

Comments

[Uncle Merlin]

All those people in " Van Zandt's Whore " needed to be washed away in a flood ! I stand by what I said back in 19::!

[Lance Mannion]

UM,

1985. And, yes, you did say it. And I said you were right because that was a theme of the story, which, by the way, your father really liked.