Car Talk with Congressman Paul Ryan

So, say, your car’s breaking down and you’re standing in the driveway, looking it over, trying to decide what you’re going to fix first and figuring out how to pay for it when along comes your neighbor, GOP Congressman and Insider Media Darling of the Moment Paul Ryan.

Ryan says, “Let me have a look.”

He pokes his head under the hood, straightens up, frowning mightily, wipes the grease off his hands, and says, “Hand me that wrench.”

You give it to him and what he does is step back and start swinging away at the car.  He really whales on it.  Works his way down one side, around the rear bumper, and back up the other.  And when he’s done he’s taken out the headlights and taillights, shattered the windshield, smashed in the bumpers, caved in sections of the roof, and put so many dents in the doors and fenders it looks  like a herd of mules got mad at it.

Then he ducks back under the hood and starts whacking away under there until you hear the clatter and clang of metal falling to the pavement.

“There,” he says, tossing you the wrench, “That’ll take care of it.”

“Take care of it?” you scream in rage. “You destroyed it.  How am I supposed to get to work?”

He levels you with his gaze.

“Work?” he says.  “Like you work.  If you had a real job you’d own a car that never breaks down.  What you need to do now is find a real job and start saving up for a car better suited to your needs, preferably a used one.”

And before you can say anything else, he lifts your wallet and walks off with your credit card to go treat a bunch of his rich friends to a touchless carwash complete with detailing for their Beemers.

The next thing that happens is that some more of your neighbors, all them Very Serious People, pundits and politicians, wander out to survey the wreck that was once your car and when you tell them what just happened instead of giving you any sympathy they start praising Ryan.

“At least he’s tried to do something,” one of them says.

“What a brave and bold plan,” another says.

“And he was honest about what he was up to,” says a third.

“But he destroyed the car!” you wail.

“Good for him for starting a conversation about car repair,” they say.

“Instead of getting upset,” they add, “You should offer your own plan”

“Where,” they want to know, “would you have started banging away with the wrench?”

Comments

[Bill Altreuter]

What a pretty story.

[maye]

excellent.

[StringonaStick]

Best anaolgy I've seen yet!

[Mark Dye]

Genius.

Absolute. Pure. Freaking. Genius. On every level.

And, much like the Ryan plan would do to my son's future, I am so stealing this.

(I will also go pay my penance for not coming here more often. After 8 years (!) of hanging 'round the blogosphere (h/t: skippy) I am just now adding you to my daily reads. Sorry it took so long.)

[actor212]

You forgot "Where was the dealer while we were trying to work out how to fix the car?"

[Victoria]

One thing you missed: The pundits would have mentioned that the way Ryan demolished that vehicle just goes to show what you can accomplish if you work out like he does every day. Otherwise, it's you and Andy Borowitz in my hit parade. Hilarious perfection.

[Sue]

You forgot to mention the part where he gives you a voucher for five bucks and tells you to use it to buy your car insurance for the next twenty years.

[Lance Mannion]

Thanks, folks!

Mark, welcome! Although now I'm embarrassed that the next two posts I was planning to write tonight were going to be about laundry and Happy Meals and neither one was meant to be a metaphor.

[nancy]

Since I always hold out hope that something will trigger a memory and get these people to rejoin their fellow citizenry by remembering the Golden Rule, I am forwarding this to my dimwitted, yet anointed for future "big things" (she's in all the photo-ops) congresswoman, Cathie McMorris Rodgers. Thanks for this, a metaphor that no one could misunderstand.

[Victoria]

Can't stop thinking about this piece. It's just so fabulous.

[Richard Gustafson]

Like inviting Harry Reid to help would do anything! Talk about someone who steals your wallet?

[food doctor]

all of his rich friends beemers were recalled due to the fact that the
sense of entitlement light is constantly on and will not shut off.

[Lance Mannion]

food doctor: all of his rich friends beemers were recalled due to the fact that the
sense of entitlement light is constantly on and will not shut off.

lol. We wish.

Sue: You forgot to mention the part where he gives you a voucher for five bucks and tells you to use it to buy your car insurance for the next twenty years.

Perfect!