Ponder Stibbons explains to Archchancellor Ridcully and the other wizards how the game of foot-the-ball is NOT to be played

The wizards of Unseen University have just finished their first soccer practice which didn’t go well.  The Archchancellor asks his assistant coach, the young wizard Ponder Stibbons for advice on how to improve the team’s play.

“What do we need, Stibbons?”

“A better ball, sir.  And some attempt at running about.  and a general consensus that it is not a good idea to stop to re-light your pipe in the middle of play.  A more sensible type of goal, because running into a stone statue is painful.  Some grasp, however small, of the notion of teamwork in a gaming situation.  A resolution not to run away if a member of the opposing team is rushing towards you.  An understanding of the fact that you do not handle the ball in any circumstances; may I remind you that I gave up stopping play because of this since you gentlemen, when you were excited, persisted in picking it up and, in once case, hiding it behind our back, and standing on it.  I would like to point out at this juncture that a sense of direction is worth cultivating vis-a-vis the goal that is yours and the goal that is theirs; inviting as it may be, there is no point in kicking the ball into your own goal, and nor should you congratulate and pat on the back anyone who achieves this feat.  Out of the three goals scored in our match, the number scored by players into their own goal was”---he paused and looked down at his clipboard---“three.  This is a commendably high level of scoring, compared with football as currently played, though once again I must stress that issues of direction and goal ownership are of pivotal importance.  A tactic, which I admit looked promising, was for the players to cluster thickly around their own goal so their was no possibility of anything getting past them.  I regret, however, that if both teams do this you do not have a game so much as a tableau.  A more promising tactic, which seemed to be adopted by one or two of you, was to lurk near the opponents’ goal so that if the ball came in your direction you would be ideally placed to get it past the custodian of the goal.  The fact that in some cases you and the opposing custodian leaned companionably against the goal, sharing a cigarette and watching the play up field, showed a decent spirit and may possibly be a good starting point for some more advanced tactics, but I do not think this should be encouraged.  ON this general topic, I have to assume that retiring from the field of play for the call of nature or a breather is acceptable, but doing so for a snack is not.”

---Oliver Mannion’s favorite passage so far from Unseen Academicals by Terry Pratchett

Comments

[muddy]

I think that's my favorite too. I could so easily see it in my mind! It's as well it was written and not actual images, I would have injured myself laughing.