Why I won’t be reviewing Avatar

Saw Avatar yesterday.

Way back when, the Meryl Streep-Robert Redford romantic epic Out of Africa was the movie to see.  I liked Redford, I liked Steep, I liked Isak Dinesen who wrote the books and lived the life the movie was based on, I figured I’d like the movie.

Nope.

But I didn’t dislike it either.

I didn’t feel any which way about it.

Except that I felt like I hadn’t seen it.

When we came out of the theater, the friends I was with, who had all enjoyed the film, asked me what I thought of it.  I answered with a metaphor I thought up on the spot and was inordinately proud of and must still be proud of or why do I remember it after all these years?

I said that I felt left behind by the movie right from the beginning.  It was like missing a train and watching it pull away from the station.  I could see all my friends waving goodbye and knew they were going to have a nice trip on their way to somewhere fun, but I wasn’t going with them.  There was nothing for me to do but sit there in the station for two and half hours, waiting for them to return.

The difference is that while you’re sitting there in the station you can read a book or a newspaper, strike up a conversation with an interesting looking stranger, and wander over to the window to look at the scenery.

In the movie theater you end up watching for giant holes in the plots.

For instance, if it takes six years to get from Pandora back to Earth and earth is on the brink of self-destruction, won’t Earth be dead by the time they get their next shipment of unobtanium?

When this happens, when you miss the train, it’s unfair to judge the movie because you haven’t really seen it.

That’s what happened with Avatar.

I missed the train.

Comments

[CrayolaThief]

"Dances With Smurfs" is the catchiest assessment I've heard of it. Until someone puts up a convincing argument, the trailer was enough for me.

[Chris Quinones]

I napped through a chunk of the first hour of the thing.

Too pretty visually, and as pure a boilerplate by the numbers storyline as can be extruded these days. If you can turn off your mind and just watch the pretty pictures, go see it. (Giovanni Ribisi was superbly douchey, but Boiler Room is a favorite so I'm predisposed to like Ribisi in anything.)

[chachabowl]

I had that left behind feeling when I saw "The English Patient."

Then again, someone had wondered why these 'discovery' stories are always told from the point of view of the invaders, like history didn't begin until they showed up.

[Bruce]

Is there any evidence that earth depends on this stuff? Because if it did I would think official government forces would be there a-plenty, rather than corporate rent-a-cops.(My impression was that earth is suffering from environmental crisis, not lack-of-unobtanium crisis per se).

Bruce

[Ian Welsh]

It didn't do much for me, mainly because it was too by the numbers. I could ignore the plot holes, but not the plot, unfortunately.

Pretty though, very pretty. And as a writer, I know I'm a bit jaded.

[Beel]

Your non-review is bracing, if only to counter Denby's twenty gallons of maple syrup over at Charlie Rose's place the other day. I had the suspicion that there would be problems like the one you mentioned.

[shaun]

Sheesh! I remember when we went to the movies to pass a pleasant two or three hours and maybe even be entertained. "Avatar" accomplished both for us.