Dishonest hair

Sure sounds as though they've got Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich dead to rights.

Innocent until proven guilty, of course.  But I for one am ready to throw the book at him just for his hair.

Actually, his hair alone should be summarily tried, convicted, and sent off to prison.  That's one dishonest-looking head of hair.

Seriously.

Hair like that screams for a lawyer who will invoke the Fifth Amendment on its behalf.

That's televangelist hair.  Used car salesman hair.  Mob hanger-on hair.  Hair like that spends a lot of time at the Playboy Mansion.  Hair like that has a time-share in Florida it wants you to buy. 

Hair like that is only marrying you for your money.

Hair like that claims to be alumni and takes student athletes out to strip clubs and "loans" them cars from a brother-in-law's dealership to drive around campus and shows up when the cops pick them up after a party that got out of control and then one day takes them aside and asks if they'd like to make some extra money, all they have to do is miss a three-pointer in the fourth quarter of a game they're already losing...

Hair like that will be disposing of the pieces of your dismembered corpse off the deck of a speedboat late one night.

How did the people of Illinois elect a head of hair like that governor?

Politician who runs for office with that hair might as well have as his campaign slogan:  I'm Only in This For the Broads and the Dough.

Hair like that should never get any farther than the State Assembly before it's indicted.  United States Congress at the most.

The only way that hair could look any more corrupt would be if it topped off a body wearing a turtleneck and a Member's Only style jacket.

Oh wait.

Maybe I'm being unfair.

Hair like that probably crowns many an honest head and crew-cuts, Ronald Reaganesque pompadours, razor cuts, perms, comb-overs, bald scalps, and plugs, weaves, and rugs turn up in mug shots all the time.

I shouldn't judge a guy by his hair.  Is it Blagojevich's fault he has hair like that?

Well, yeah, it is.

Hair like that needs lots of time and attention.   It doesn't get to be hair like that with one trip to the barber.  It needs the consultation of a firm of engineers, architects, and interior designers.

Hair like that is the result of careful calculation.

What's calculated is the intent to disguise and distract.

Hair like that is the tonsorial equivalent of a "legitimate business."

Still.  I shouldn't judge Blagojevich because I'm prejudiced against his hair.

But I can't help it.

Besides, the guy who's bringing him down is Patrick Fitzgerald, and among his other virtues Fitzgerald has very honest hair.

Tell you what I really have against hair like Blagojevich's.

Same thing I have against Eliot Spitzer's and William Jefferson's bald scalps, and Tim Mahoney's distinguishedly graying sweep.

They allow Republican apologists in the Media to bloviate self-righteously as if corruption and moral turpitude were Democratic inventions on which they hold exclusive patents.

As if for the last thirty five years the Republican Party hasn't been operating a giant shake-down racket.

As if Tom DeLay, who has even more dishonest hair than Blagojevich's, and Newt Gingrich, whose hair is taught in law schools as an illustration of probable cause, never saw the inside of the United States capital building.

As if Jack Abramoff, the honesty of whose hair can't be assessed because he always wears that stupid hat, wasn't doing his best to fill up whole prisons with Republican politicians he's bought and paid for over the years.

As if George Ryan, the Republican Blagojevich succeeded as governor, wasn't convicted of, among other things, fraud and tax evasion.

Tell you the truth.  I was surprised about Ryan when the charges came down.

He has such honest hair.

 

All photos by way of Yahoo News.

Updated to admit being beaten to the joke:  Drat.  I thought I was being original.  Turns out that, although she didn't write a post about it, Susie had the same idea about Blagojevich's hair first.

And by way of Susie, this from Digby on how Republicans, aided and abetted by their well-coiffed pals in the Media, are trying to use Blagojevich to beat up on Obama.  As if you're surprised.

Comments

[Claire]

HAHAHAHAHA!!

[Claire]

I'm sorry, I can't stop laughing at this whole thing.

[Apostate]

OMG! Love this post! You are right and you are hilarious!

[Michael Bartley]

Reminds me of a seventies tv bad guy.

[R]

Sweet post, Lance - utterly to die for.

Or should that be "dye"?

[Juno]

You are a brilliant, brilliant man, sir.

[Linkmeister]

Another example, put forward by the sainted Molly Ivins: Rick Perry, whom Molly called "Governor Goodhair."

[actor212]

I can't believe that, in all the snarky comments on all the blogs I've seen, no one has bothered to bring up the name James Trafficant?

His toupee shows up next to the dictionary listing for "varmint".

[D. Potter]

I have to admit, shame-facedly, that I laughed like a drain over your piece, even if S. Madrak pointed at it first.

At least, it wasn't a woman's hair, and it wasn't about how the price of his haircut made him a hypocrite. But still. Hair mockery is a cheap shot.

I look forward to mocking substance.

[Victoria]

Very funny. Thanks.

[Sabutai]

Thank you mentioning Traficant. How about the Divinely loved and corrupt ex-mayor of Providence, who was haired when mayor, and even had different toupees for different occasions.

[mapaghimagsik]

That is hair that will open up to reveal the alien saucer controlling him.

Its like "Meet Dave". Only it sucks more.