"You have a dull sense of humor, Dad."

At soccer game, half-time, thirsty husband, desiring to purchase a cold beverage, puts hand inside pants pocket to retrieve money he was sure was in there last night.  Comes up empty.  Says to wife, "Wife, did you rob me of my change?"

Wife admits to theft with no sign of guilty conscience.  "You only had a few dollars."

Husband says, "Now I have none and I wish to buy a soda."

Wife asks in tone that implies husband has been irresponsible about family finances again, "And you have no money?"

"Not so much as a nickel."

"How much do you need?"

"Buck, buck and a half."

Wife reaches into her own pocket.  Carefully counts out one dollar and fifty cents in paper and coins.  Husband asks if she'd like a drink herself.  Wife declines offer.  Son who is not on field says he'd like a Pepsi.  Wife carefully doles out another dollar and fifty cents.  Husband and son skip off to buy sodas.

Half hour later.  On the walk home.  Family unit passed by ice cream truck.  Sons politely request ice cream.  Parents shake heads together.  "Not right now," says wife.  "We'll go out later," says husband, "To a real ice cream parlor."  Sons like the idea of going out later to real ice cream parlor.  Dreams of sundaes and milk shakes dance in their heads.  Husband's head too.  Wife says ice cream parlor sounds like a fine idea.

Two minutes later family catches up with ice cream truck parked on their street.  Wife says, "Who wants ice cream?"

Husband says, "??????????????????"

Wife and sons, dreams of sundaes and milk shakes dancing right out of their heads, skip off to buy ice cream from truck, leaving baffled husband behind.

Seconds later, sons have King Cones in hand, wife unwrapping ice cream sandwich.  Wife calls out to husband by name.  Husband, thinking she's wondering what he'd like, calls back, "None for me now, thank you, dear wife."

Wife gets huffy.  That's not what she asked.  "I said, Do you have any money?"

Husband, kindly, "You took all my money, sweetheart, remember?"

Wife gets huffier.  "How am I supposed to pay for the ice cream then?"

Husband says, "How did you think you were going to pay for it?" but has sense enough to say it quietly enough that only he can hear.  Runs a block and a half to house, dashes inside, grabs cash off dresser, runs back.  Only needs to go a block though.  Wife and sons have already left ice cream truck a block back and are walking home, calmly eating their ice cream.

Husband, gasping for breath, manages to ask if ice cream truck driver let them have it for free or if he needs to keep running on to truck to pay.

Wife looks at him as if he's a fool.  "Turns out I had some extra change in my pocket."

Husband falls over in street.

Later, back at house, sons declare the above scene hilarious.   Big joke on dad all around.

Husband says, "Ha ha, very funny."

Younger son shakes his head in dismay.  Says, "You have a dull sense of humor, Dad."

Comments

[Lance]

First commenter who suggests the moral of this story is that husband should hang up his own pants at night if he wants to keep the contents of his pockets to himself will be permanently banned from this webpage.

[Linkmeister]

Oh. Okay then.

[Mike Schilling]

I expect "Husband shouldn't be gasping for breath after running only two and a half blocks" is right out too.

[Claire]

HAHAHA, my favorite part is your warning comment, Lance.

[Huh]

"Wife looks at him as if he's a fool." Ahh.....So.

I must also have a dull sense of humor as I cant see why it wasnt wife running home. . .

[Chris the cop]

Lance, I can't believe you're still buying into that whole middle-class "we-have-to-pay-for-something" mindset. If the ice cream was free, this never would have happened. Same for the sodas, too.

[Dr Blight]

You need to stop writing like you're Rorschach from Watchmen.

Only kidding, great entry.

[Samuel]

It sure is funny! Husband ought to check his pants before leaving the home eh?