Chocolate makers don't like chocolate?

Of course they don't.  They like money.

All those dumb, jokey asides in my post Sunday? They weren't really from my editor.  I made them up.  The whole inter-office soap opera was a complete fiction.  The redhead down in Classifieds doesn't even know I'm alive.

[Lance's readers' note:  We were never fooled, Lance.]

[Author's note:  You weren't?]

[Lance's readers' note:  Not for a second.]

[Author's note:  Darn.]

[Lance's readers' note:  Just get on with today's post, ok?]

[Author's note:  I'm on it!]

Anyway, I stuck those in because I was a little chagrined about writing things about the way big businesses work that I wasn't in the mood to back up with real examples.  I was trying to distract you from the fact that I was just shooting my mouth off, not making a substantive argument.

Doesn't mean I wasn't right.

For example, I wrote, and I quote, without the editor's notes:

Seems to me that the trouble with American businesses today is that they are run by people who have no interest in the product the business makes or sells.

They are only interested in the money the product brings in and in bringing it fast.

Consequently, rather than trying to attract more paying customers and therefore bring it more money by building a better mousetrap they will set out to make more money off the customers they have by building a cheaper mousetrap...

Turns out, without knowing it, I was apparently describing the people who are in the business of making chocolate, who, according to Cybele May, writing in the LA Times, seem to have decided it costs too much to make and sell chocolate and are planning to try to foist off fake chocolate on consumers and call it the real deal.

The FDA is entertaining a "citizen's petition" to allow manufacturers to substitute vegetable fats and oils for cocoa butter.

The "citizens" who created this petition represent groups that would benefit most from this degradation of the current standards. They are the Chocolate Manufacturers Assn., the Grocery Manufacturers Assn., the Snack Food Assn. and the National Cattlemen's Beef Assn. (OK, I'm not sure what's in it for them), along with seven other food producing associations.

This is what they think of us chocolate eaters, according to their petition on file at the FDA:

"Consumer expectations still define the basic nature of a food. There are, however, no generally held consumer expectations today concerning the precise technical elements by which commonly recognized, standardized foods are produced. Consumers, therefore, are not likely to have formed expectations as to production methods, aging time or specific ingredients used for technical improvements, including manufacturing efficiencies."

Let me translate: "Consumers won't know the difference."

It's cocoa butter that makes chocolate choclate, says Cybelle May.  Cocoa powder provides the flavor, but cocoa butter is responsible for the texture and that melt-in-your-mouth wonderfulness, and if chocolate manufacturers try to con us with the switch:

I can tell you right now — we will notice the difference. How do I know? Because the product they're trying to rename "chocolate" already exists. It's called "chocolate flavored" or "chocolaty" or "cocoalicious." You can find it on the shelves right now at your local stores in the 75% Easter sale bin, those waxy/greasy mock-chocolate bunnies and foil-wrapped eggs that sit even in the most sugar-obsessed child's Easter basket well into July.

So, I know more about business than I thought I knew.  Guess next time I can skip on the jokey asides.

[Former editor's note:  He's lying!  He's a big fat liar!  The redhead does know he's alive.  He gave her a big box of chocolate on Valentine's Day!  I saw her sharing it with the other women in Circulation!  He never gave me any chocolate!  Not even any chocolate flavored bunnies!  Once he gave me some candy flavored underwear.  And the things he expected me to do with chocolate syrup?  I'm telling you, I debased myself for this man!]

[Author's note:  I didn't give those to you, you bought them yourself.]

[Former editor's note: LIAR!]

[Author's wife's note: Chocolate manufacturers may want to get out of the business of making chocolate, but divorce attorneys still love to practice law, buster!]

[Author's note: Can we talk about this later?  I'm trying to blog here.]

[Author's wife's note:  That's always your excuse to avoid me, isn't it?  You're blogging?  Is that what you tell your redhead when you want to get away from her?  You're blogging?]

[Author's note:  There is no redhead!  I made her up!  She's a character in a bad joke, that's all!]

[Former editor's note:  Don't listen to him!  He's lying again!  I have pictures!]

[Author's note:  She's the one you shouldn't listen to.  She's a fictional character too.]

[Author's wife's note:  Oh, and I suppose you're going to tell me I'm a fictional character, as well?]

[Author's note:  No, dear, you're very real.  But this isn't really you typing here.  It's me.  I'm making up this whole conversation.]

[Author's wife's note:  Oh, really?]

[Author's note:  Really.  Watch.  Would you type this?]

[Author's wife's note:  Oh, Lance, Lance, I'm sorry for being such a suspicious, controlling wife.  I understand men have needs.  If the redhead in Classifieds makes you happy, that's all I care about.  As long as I'm the one you come home to, I'll be content.]

[Author's note:  See?]

[Author's wife's note:  I admit that doesn't sound like me at all.]

[Author's note:  Told ya.]

[Author's wife's note:  I feel a little foolish.]

[Author's note:  It's ok.]

[Author's wife's note:  I'll just get out of your way now so you can keep blogging.]

[Author's note:  Thanks.]

[Author's wife's note:  Bye, dear.   Smooch.]

[Author's note:  Bye, honey.]

[Redhead's note:  Is she gone?]

[Author's note:  Yes, you can come out now.]

[Redhead's note:  Darling!]

[Author's note:  Darling!]

[Former editor's note:  AH-HA!]

[Author's note:  Oh, damn.]

[Redhead's note:  Who's she?]

[Lance's readers' note:  ENOUGH ALREADY!]

[Author's note:  Too much?]

[Lance's readers' note:  Way.]

[Author's note:  I never know how to finish a joke.]

[Lance's reader's note:  Just tell us who tipped you off to the LA Times piece and close the post, how about that?]

[Author's note:  Good idea.  Ladies and gentlemen, hat tip to Julia at Sisyphus Shrugged.]

[Lance's readers' note:  Was that so difficult?]

[Author's note:  Nope.  Thanks for the help.  See you on the next post.]

[Lance's readers' note:  Bye, Lance.]

[Author's note:  Bye.]

[Redhead's note:  Are they gone?]

[Former editor's and Author's wife's note:  AH-HA!]

[Author's note:  Sigh.]

Comments

[Jennifer]

They've taken away enough of my civil rights, they're not taking away my real chocolate.

[She-who-must-be-obeyed]

Sometimes I think that you and Matter-Eater Lad are, in fact, the same person. The woman in Classifieds is even a redhead.

[Linkmeister]

Why does the latter half of this post remind of the current Jack-in-the-Box ad where the wife finds a stain on his collar and accuses him of eating Jack's dipping sauce, to which he responds that it's not true; rather, he's having an affair with some bimbo named Jessica?

[Ken Houghton]

You've got two days to comment, apparently—and that's without actually being able to see the "citizen" (read: ADM) proposal. See Teresa's post at Making Light.

[Rana]

I'm so TIRED of corporations being considered the same as actual, living, human beings.

I've gone and commented, for whatever good that will do. If nothing else, this reinforces my existing tendency to go for artisan chocolate over stuff like Hershey's (which I consider "chocolate" for emergencies only).