Lance Mannion: The stuff that dreams are made of

Scene: Office of Lance Mannion and Miles Archer, Private Investigators. San Francisco. Late at night. Mannion meeting with a mysterious fat man, jolly but sinister. Muffled noises in the distance like the sounds of a plagiarized novelist and screenwriter spinning in their graves at the idea of a two-bit blogger shamelessly ripping off some of their best dialog.

Gutman: We begin well, sir. I distrust a man who says 'when'. If he's got to be careful not to drink too much, it's because he's not to be trusted when he does. Well, sir, here's to plain speaking and clear understanding. [They drink.] You're a close-mouthed man.

Mannion: No, I like to talk.

Gutman: Better and better. I distrust a close-mouthed man. He generally picks the wrong time to talk and says the wrong things. Talking's something you can't do judiciously unless you keep in practice. Now, sir, we'll talk if you like. I'll tell you right out - I'm a man who likes talking to a man who likes to talk.

Mannion: Swell. Will we talk about the black bird?

Gutman': [chuckling] You're the man for me, sir. No beating about the bush, right to the point. Let's talk about the black bird, by all means. But first, answer me a question. Are you here as Miss O'Shaughnessy's representative?

Mannion: Well, there's nothing certain either way. It depends.

Gutman: It depends on? Maybe it depends on Joel Cairo.

Mannion: Maybe.

Gutman: The question is, then, which you represent. It'll be one or the other.

Mannion: I didn't say so.

Gutman: Who else is there?

Mannion: There's me.

Gutman: Ah. That's wonderful sir, wonderful. I do like a man who tells you right out he's looking out for himself. Don't we all?

Mannion: Uh-huh. Now, let's talk about the black bird.

Gutman: Lets. Mr. Mannion, have you any conception of how much money can be got for that black bird?

Mannion: No.

Gutman: Well, sir, if I told you - if I told you half, you'd call me a liar.

Mannion: No, not even if I thought so. But you tell me what it is and I'll figure out the profit.

Gutman: [chuckles] You mean you don't know what that bird is?

Mannion: Oh, I know what it's supposed to look like. And I know the value in human life you people put on it.

Gutman: She didn't tell you what it is? Cairo didn't either?

Mannion: He offered me ten thousand for it.

Gutman: [dismissively] Ten thousand. Dollars, mind you, not even pounds...Should we say a hundred thousand? Would you believe me if I name a sum that seems a probable minimum?

Mannion: Why not?

Gutman: What would you say to a quarter of a million?

Mannion: You think the dingus is worth that much? That's a lot of dough....Minimum, huh? What's the maximum?

Gutman: The maximum I refuse to guess. You'd think me crazy. I don't know. No telling how high it could go, sir. It is the one and only truth about it.

What's the dingus, this black bird they're talking about?

The Maltese Falcon, natch. The stuff that dreams are made of.

And it's been stolen again.

Ok, so it's just a movie prop. Not even a movie prop. A replica of a movie prop. The real thing, a movie prop dingus, one of those sold for over three hundred grand. This one's value is mostly sentimental. It was a signed gift from Elisha Cook Jr. who played the gunsel Wilmer in the movie---"The cheaper the crook, the gaudier the patter." Owner's offering a measly 25 thousand in reward.

But I don't care what it's worth. I'm not taking the fall for this one, angel. I won't play the sap for you. I'm sending you over. Now give me all of it fast. When you first came to my office, why did you want Thursby shadowed?

Brigid: I told you, Lance. I thought he was betraying me and I wanted to find out.

Mannion: That's a lie...You wanted to get rid of him before Jacobi came with the loot so you wouldn't have to split it with him. Isn't that so? What was your scheme?

Brigid: I thought if he knew someone was following him, he'd be frightened into going away.

Mannion: Miles wasn't clumsy enough to be spotted the first night. You told Thursby he was being followed.

Brigid: I told him. I told him. Yes, but please believe me, Lance. I wouldn't have told him if I thought Floyd would kill him.

Mannion: If you thought he wouldn't kill Miles, you were right, angel. Miles hadn't many brains but he'd had too many years experience as a detective to be caught like that by a man he was shadowing up a blind alley with his gun in his hip and his overcoat buttoned. But he'd have gone up there with you, angel. He was just dumb enough for that! He would have looked you up and down and licked his lips and gone, grinning from ear to ear. And then you could have stood as close to him as you liked in the dark and put a hole through him with a gun you got from Thursby that evening. The police will be here any minute. Now talk!

Brigid: Oh, why do you accuse me?

Mannion: This isn't the time for that school girl act. We're both of us sitting under the gallows. Now, why did you shoot Miles?

Brigid: I didn't mean to at first. Really, I didn't. But when I found out that Floyd couldn't be frightened, I...oh, I can't look at you and tell you this... [hiding her head in her hands]

Mannion: You thought Thursby would tackle Miles, and one or the other of them would go down. If Thursby was killed, you were rid of him. If it was Miles, you'd see that Thursby was caught and set up for it, isn't that right?

Brigid (sobbing): Something like that.

Mannion: When you found that Thursby wasn't going to tackle him, you borrowed his gun and did it yourself, right? And when you heard Thursby was shot, you knew Gutman was in town, and you knew you needed another protector, somebody to fill Thursby's boots. So you came back to me.

Brigid: Yes. But oh, sweetheart. It wasn't only that. I'd have come back to you sooner or later. From the very first instant I saw you, I knew...

Mannion: Well, if you get a good break, you'll be out of Tehachapi in 20 years and you can come back to me then. I hope they don't hang you, precious, by that sweet neck...Yes, angel, I'm gonna send you over. The chances are you'll get off with life. That means if you're a good girl, you'll be out in 20 years. I'll be waiting for you. If they hang you, I'll always remember you.

Brigid: Don't, Lance. Don't say it even in fun. Ha, ha, ha. Oh, I was frightened for a minute. I really thought...You do such wild and unpredictable things.

Mannion: Don't be silly. You're taking the fall.

Brigid: You've been playing with me. Just pretending you care to trap me like this. You didn't care at all. You don't love me!

Mannion: I won't play the sap for you!

Brigid: Oh you know it's not like that. You can't say that!

Mannion: Do you ever fight square with me for half an hour at a stretch since I've known you?

Brigid: You know down deep in your heart and in spite of anything I've done I love you.

Mannion: I don't care who loves who!! I won't play the sap for you. I won't walk in Thursby's - and I don't know how many other's - footsteps. You killed Miles and you're going over for it.

Brigid: How can you do this to me, Lance? Surely, Mr. Archer wasn't so much to you as...

Mannion: When a man's partner is killed, he's supposed to do something about it. It doesn't make any difference what you thought of him. He was your partner and you're supposed to do something about it. And it happens we're in the detective business. Well, when one of your organization gets killed, it's-it's bad business to let the killer get away with it, bad all around, bad for every detective everywhere.

Brigid: But, Lance, we could run away together, take the Falcon and go...

Mannion: I've no earthly reason to think I can trust you, and, if I do this and get away with it, you'll have something on me that you can use whenever you want to. Since I've got something on you, I couldn't be sure that you wouldn't put a hole in me some day. All those are on one side. Maybe some of them are unimportant - I won't argue about that - but look at the number of them. And what have we got on the other side? All we've got is that maybe you love me and maybe I love you.

Brigid: You know whether you love me or not.

Mannion: Maybe I do. Well, I'll have some rotten nights after I've sent you over, but that will pass. If all I've said doesn't mean anything to you, then forget it and we'll make it just this: I won't because all of me wants to, regardless of consequences, and because you counted on that with me the same as you counted on that with all the others.

Hat tips to Dashiell Hammett, John Huston, Humphrey Bogart, and Maud Newton.