Female genitalia

If that post title doesn't bring the Googlers tumbling in by the cartload, I don't know what will.

In the post below I quoted George Will prissily complaining that Shakespeare's Sister has been known to use "a vulgar term for female genitalia."

That got me thinking.  No, I don't mean that way.  Although, yeah, I did start thinking that way too.  But it got me thinking that the most vulgar term I know for female genitalia is...female genitalia.

Now, most euphemisms are vulgar.  The refusal to call a spade a spade or the female genitalia a...a...um...hmmmm...

Can't do it.  Can't use the word.  Shakes can use the word, with love and joy.  Chaucer can too.  Twice in one verse.  It's there.  You'll find it:

Now, sire, and eft, sire, so bifel the cas,
That on a day this hende Nicholas
Fil with this yonge wyf to rage and pleye,
Whil that her housbonde was at Oseneye,
As clerkes ben ful subtile and ful queynte;
And prively he caughte hire by the queynte,
And seyde, "Ywis, but if ich have my wille,
For deerne love of thee, lemman, I spille."
And heeld hire harde by the haunchebones,
And seyde, "Lemman, love me al atones,
Or I wol dyen, also God me save!"
And she sproong as a coltdooth in the trave,
And with hir heedshe wryed faste awey,
And seyde, "I wol nat kisse thee, by my fey!
Why, lat be," quod she, "lat be, Nicholas,
Or I wol crie 'out harrow' and 'allas!'
Do wey youre handes, for youre curteisye!"

Not me.  I'm vulgar I guess.  I need a euphemism that is not "female genitalia."

There's got to be a better way to euphemize here.  But please don't try to help me by filling up my comments with suggestions.

Oh, heck, go ahead.

But remember I have young readers and some adult readers who are like me and George Will, prissily vulgar minded.  So a careful use of asterisks is advised.  As in p***y.  I happen to think p***y is a lovely word and appropriate somehow to that part of the anatomy it affectionately describes.  Not everyone agrees.

Let's not limit gender here or limit euphemisms to body parts.  Think of all the ways the Bush Leaguers have tried to euphemize the war in Iraq.  What are your favorite or most despised euphemisms?

I'll check back in later.  Right now I have to see a man about a horse.

First to pass Go update:  At Sisyphus Shrugged, Julia reminds us that there's an entire industry built around euphemisms, the private peace and stability industry, which trains peace and stability practionioners, uneuphemistically known as...mercenaries.

Comments

[Fledermaus]

In keeping with the Big Lebowski thread below. One time I caught The Big L on basic cable and, in a bit of tasty irony, when they showed this scene they beeped out vagina but not vaginal.

Maude Lebowski: Does the female form make you uncomfortable, Mr. Lebowski?
The Dude: Uh, is that what this is a picture of?
Maude Lebowski: In a sense, yes. My art has been commended as being strongly vaginal which bothers some men. The word itself makes some men uncomfortable. Vagina.
The Dude: Oh yeah?
Maude Lebowski: Yes, they don't like hearing it and find it difficult to say whereas without batting an eye a man will refer to his dick or his rod or his Johnson.
The Dude: Johnson?

[Tom W.]

Didn't we have this conversation a while back already? (I was referred to as the Chaucerian term in question, a point of personal pride, in retrospect).

[Phoenician in a time of Romans]

*sigh*

Said younger readers were probably humming along to this a short while back. More euphemisms than you can shake a whoopee stick at.

[Ian Gray]

I'm not quite sure if it's a euphemism, but it irks me when people refer to human beings as "males" or "females." There seems to be something dehumanizing about it, and as best I can tell there's nothing wrong with calling someone a man, a woman, a girl or a boy.

[Mike]

I'm with you, Ian. I HATE the, "Well, my friends and I went out to meet some females last night" thing. Ugh.

Are they talking about steer? Other cattle? Pigs, sheep, and goats?

[david]

um, i tried to pick just one but it was well nigh impossible. here you go folks, have fun.
http://www.starma.com/penis/muffy/muffy.html

[Jeff Fecke]

1. "My Humps" is the worst song of all time, for many reasons, but mainly for the term, "My lovely lady-lumps." Blech.

2. Roast beef curtains. Not good--but descriptive.

3. I have a friend who has nicknamed his penis Stanley Johnson--because it's a power tool.

4. "queynte?"

[Nance]

My favorite euphemism? "Pundit." In Will's case, "shameless whore" seems much more apt.

[L7]

1. I'm with David. Blech indeed!
2. I did run across "vajayjay" at www.crazyauntpurl.com, which I thought was funny.
3. I've never really warmed to the c word, as it is so often the female (oops, sorry, I mean "womanly") equivalent of "prick."

[larkspur]

A lot of it depends on who's talking. If my physician is talking, I expect her to say the actual clinical words. When my partner and I are talking, I prefer to use ridiculously elaborate euphemisms (like "OMG, your mannion is lantastic!"). In everyday conversations with my friends, I would tend to refer to my netherbits. To my sound-gathering appendages, it's cheerful, explanatory, non-judgmental, with just the right touch of goofiness. Plus, it really wouldn't work for anyone else to use it on me. Can you imagine someone asking me if my netherbits weren't just getting all hot and throbby for him? Hilarity ensueth.

"Netherbits" doesn't work for breasts, though. Then I just refer to my awesome bosoms. "Bosom" doesn't work. It has to be the plural. The goofiness factor indicates affection.

[larkspur]

...but moving along to other phrases:

I hate the over-use of the word "closure", as in "Well, at least locating the wreckage will help the families find closure", because the way it's used tends to imply that there's an expiration date on someone's grief or mourning, which, when passed, starts making the grief seem self-indulgent, and allows onlookers to begin getting impatient.

And from sourcewatch.org, I'm reminded of these:

"asymmetric warfare: suicide bombing attacks, local violent unrest, almost anything that one does not wish to call war or terrorism. Military scientists define asymmetry in warfare as circumstances in which one side continues to fight regardless the disproportionate military capacity of an opponent.

"playing the blame game: Used to dismiss calls for accountable government. Implies that the first priority of people who have had their families killed and their lives destroyed is to have fun making a few cheap political shots.

"rendition: the deportation of prisoners by one country to another not burdened by following international laws, for the purpose of torture."

[Matt T.]

Some of the older good ol' boys I knew growing up refered to the female genitalia as "that critter". As in, "Boy, you gonna getchu some of that critter at school", which is exactly the wrong thing to say to an eight-year-old boy, I think. One of the football coaches in high school used to tell us to "stay away from that cooter" before the big game because, and I quote, "it'll cut your wind". Granted, we went 3-27 my high school career and most of us spent our pre-game time at Maxie's Pool Hall, so I doubt it would've made much difference.

My pappaw used to refer to it as "puddin'" when he told dirty jokes, so probably out of sentimentality, that's my favorite. However, if there's a specific young lady's puddin' involved, I'll find out what her prefered term is and use that, because experience has taught me that "puddin'" needs to be explained. For some reason, relating an incredibly filthy joke my grandfather told me almost three decades ago doesn't fly.

And "bosoms" is an awesome word. Just sounds fun. "Bosoms". Hee.

[Kevin Hayden]

I presume you refer to axe-wound or baps?

Yes, I agree. Nasty, that.

[Kevin Hayden]

Fixed the first one