The fatal diagnosis

Been doing a lot of whining about my bad back and I'm sorry about that. It's not the pain that's getting to me though. That's mainly just annoying.  What's driving me crazy is the way it's limited me. I can't do a lot of the things that I not only could do but enjoyed doing. Take long walks. Putter around the yard. Sit and read for hours. Stand up.

Yesterday I was out on my bike for the first time in over a year and it dawned on me. It hasn't been as much the matter that I can't do these things as that I've been avoiding doing theses things, telling myself to wait until my back feels better. Which of course has contributed to making it feel worse. So what's really making me nuts is that I've let it turn me into a big baby.

I've seen the doctor. He ordered X-rays. They came back a couple of weeks ago.  No slipped discs. No fractures. I was expecting to be carted off for immediate surgery.

"You have a touch of arthritis," the doctor said with the same shrug in his voice he'd have had if he'd been assuring me that what I was convinced was pneumonia was a case of the sniffles.

"Arthritis!" I yelped, manfully.

"A touch."

"My grandmother had arthritis! It crippled her. She had to have both her wrists replaced. They were talking about doing her knees and her hips when she died."

"How old was she when she died?"

"Young! Ninety-two."

"You're a long way from that stage."

"But I've got it! I've got arthritis in my back!"

"A touch."

"What's that mean? A touch? Is that like a touch of cancer?"

"Hardly."

"Then what is it?"

"It's a touch. It happens. It's no more than I'd expect in someone your age."

"My age?"

"Your age. You're not a kid anymore."

This seems like a good place to mention that my doctor is ten years younger than someone my age. I didn't sock him.

"You don't understand, doc. I'm not my age. I've never been my age!"

"We all feel that way."

Did I mention he's ten years younger than me? I still didn't sock him.

"It's not like that," I said desperately. "It's not vanity or denial. It's a fact. I'm one of those people who don't age at the normal rate. Like Paul Newman. He didn't get old until he got sick. Or Catherine Deneuve!"

"Not vanity you say?"

"I'm serious. I've always been younger than my chronological age, which was embarrassing when I was a teenager but started working out well when I hit middle age and all my friends began falling apart. I turned forty and nothing happened. Nobody believes me when they hear how old I am. I don't even need reading glasses. My prescription has barely changed since I was fourteen! I can tote barges, lift bales! I can vault parking meters! Or I could until my back started acting up. I'm telling you! I've never been my age."

"Well, I hate to break it to you, but you are now."

Slam!

Down goes the lid on the coffin.

My age.

There it is. That's what's wrong with me. Besides suffering a traumatic blow to my vanity...

I'm my age.

Comments

[Mark]

Tell me about it. When I consider my calendar age, I have to assume that someone made a serious mistake and I was really born 10 - no, make that 20 - no, 30 - years later than my birth certificate shows. Unfortunately, my body says the birth certificate is correct.

[GregN]

Nice post on the Stone's 50th anniversary!
"What a drag it is getting old..."

[El Jefe]

What you said. Also, on the point of well-groomed hypochondria, as Oscar Levant wanted his tombstone to read:

"I told them there was something wrong."

Also, want to feel old together? I've been waiting for an apt moment to ask if that's a young Mitch Miller just down and to the right of the masthead there ;)

[Provocateur52]

I have suffered from back pain on and off since having a disc removed in 1976. It took me a while to figure out that the wrong kinds of exercise (twisting, lifting that compresses the spine, etc.) made it much worse.

Recently, I had a problem with hideous hip pain that kept me from laying down comfortably. No over the counter medication helped at all. Since I do not have health insurance, I can only afford a single doctor. When I mentioned the pain (several times), she said that I have arthritis.

With no possible resource for help, I was on my own to relieve the pain. I did some research and found that stretching can relieve joint pain. I found a few pilates (a single 30-second stretch) for the hip adductor and tried them. Lo and behold, the pain is completely gone! My back pain is also significantly lower because that huge bunch of hip muscles are no longer in a knot.

This is a miracle that would never have happened if I had health insurance. Drs. would've been pumping me with pain medication and talking hip replacement. BTW, the secret of stretching is to stretch into the pain, not stretch until you feel pain.

[Katherine]

when i was 73 i began doing the Tibetan Rites which are some simple movements that target the endocrine system for an inner tuneup while exercising very gently the body / they changed my life / i went from having neck, knee, and back pain to being pain free / other changes were equally astonishing / the little book where i found the Rites is called Ancient Secrets of the Fountain of Youth by Peter Kelder / it was first published in 1986 / i go ta "used" one for five bucks at Amazon / my grandson tells me i look better and younger than i did 20 years ago and he ought to know / smile

they only take 10-15 minutes to do / when i began doing them i promised myself i would do them for a year / i was motivated by curiosity as the booklet make some rather extreme claims / well, i did them for a year, didnt miss a day and continued since then / i am in my sixth year now / i feel swell / i am at my premenopause weight (hooray) and this is the best time of my life / my doctor marvels at me as i only see him once a year to renew my beta blocker

Katherine

[Lance Mannion]

Provocateur, katherine, thanks for the advice. Katherine, I put the book on reserve at the library. Provocateur, are those stretches easybto find on the web? My doctor didn't give me any pain killers. Just told me to exercise. He gave me a referal for physical therapy but said it was up to me if I want to go thst route.

El Jefe, don't just sit there! Sing along! "There's a yellow rose in Texas that I am going to see...!"

[Shari Forbes]

Yup. My back and my mind are NOT the same age. I totally empathize.

[Ken Muldrew]

I'll second the stretching recommendation. Also make sure you have lumbar support for driving. One of those little back pads may be sufficient. The arthritis diagnosis was probably just a weasel's way of telling you that you're getting old. You seem to have gotten the message, so forget about the arthritis nonsense. Mainly you have to stop being a baby and be more active. Pool running or aquasize might be a good start if full gravity exercise is too painful.

[El Jefe]

Provocateur52 and Ken,

What y'all said. Nothing in life so far has made me feel older, faster, than the first two times my back really went out back in my late thirties. The first one chopped me down like a tree walking to our car on a cold March night and left me there, spasmed into a plank of wood, for quite some time. Stretching as you've described it is the way, the truth, and the light. Definitely stretch into and through the pain.

Lance,

Now, now. Remember, a duck may be somebody's mother :) Also that any major Emily Dickinson poem can be sung to that tune, which I'm sure you were taught in undergraduate English classes if they were worth their salt.

[Cleveland Bob]

Beyond the Tibetan Rites (excellent stuff, I hear) the other one word recommendation I would make is, Qigong.

Picked up a great book several years ago now called, Qicong, Miracle Healing From China by Effie Poy Yew Chow. There are a series of exercises in this book that are easy to do and easy to incorporate into your daily routine.

Changed. My. Life.

[Katherine]

i had an extra copy of Ancient Secrets (the l980's version) so i put it in the mail to you / i like it better than the hard covers (books 1 and two) bc the illustrations are more "user friendly" / you will see what i mean when you get the library copy although book two has a lot of food advice that you may or may not find interesting

Katherine

[Batocchio]

You write pretty well for an old guy. ;-)

I'll add to the recs for stretching, Tai Chi, yoga... Try out a few things, and see which one works for you.

Also, if it makes you feel better, both William Goldman and Aaron Sorkin have bad backs. It's one of the reasons they bonded. Goldman once had to give a pitch lying on the floor.

[Lance Mannion]

Thank you, Katherine! I'll let you know when it arrives.

[Lance Mannion]

Katherine, just visited the post office. The book was waiting. Thank you. I'm going to start right in as soon as I get home.