HEMPSTEAD, NY---After weeks of relentless demagoguing in which Republican Presidential nominee Arizona Senator John McCain and his running mate Alaska Governor Sarah Palin have endeavored to raise questions about Barack Obama's character and fitness for office by hammering on Obama's seemingly accidental acquaintance with long-forgotten 1960s radical William Ayers, Senator McCain's campaign team is planning to follow up with new revelations about Obama's subversive activities during his childhood and high school years, the Mannionville Gazette has learned today.
Some Democratic critics have maintained that McCain and Palin's harping on the Ayers connection is a blatant attempt to paint Obama as a "scary black dude."
These Democrats say that Ayers and the violent radical group he helped found, The Weather Underground, have receded so far in the public memory that hardly anyone can remember who they were or what they did. The McCain campaign is hoping that voters will confuse the Weathermen, a predominately white group of spoiled middle-class college brats, with the Black Panthers, a group of really scary black dudes and dudettes, critics contend.
But a high official within the McCain campaign has told the Gazette that Obama's defenders are missing the point.
"We're not saying that Barack Obama should have known better than to live in the same neighborhood as a guy who did something bad when Obama was around eight years old, although he should have," said the official.
"We're saying that when he was eight years old, Barack Obama not only palled around with the terrorist, William Ayers, he helped Ayers found the Weather Underground."
Not only that, said the official, but Ayers was not the only terrorist the young Barack Obama palled around with. His involvement with the Weathermen is just a part of a long history of anti-American and revolutionary activities that began within a year of when he was born and continued overtly right up through his senior year in high school.
"He was a 'community' organizer by nature," the official alleges, "Every 'community' he was ever part of he organized, and none of these 'communities' saw America the way Joe Sixpack sees it."
The McCain campaign plans to spend the next few weeks highlighting these subversive activities in a series of TV commercials and rabble-rousing speeches by Senator McCain and Governor Palin in the hopes of re-booting McCain's increasingly desperate quest for the Presidency or at least starting an armed insurrection that might delay November's election for a few weeks, which would give the candidate time to figure out just why he got into this thing to begin with and what exactly he'd do as President.
The boy Obama and the Yippies
Stepping in to make the announcement because top policy advisor Nancy Pfotenhauer's last name is too improbable and makes Sarah Palin's husband, Alaska First Dude Todd Palin, giggle every time he hears it, McCain's communication director Jill Hazelbaker, whose name also makes Todd Palin giggle, just not as uncontrollably, told the Gazette that Obama's past as a radical wunderkind and juvenile terrorist is as relevant to the kind of President he'll be as John McCain's time as a prisoner of war in Vietnam.
"While John McCain was learning to love America in a way nobody before or since has loved America, Barack Obama was learning that America was 'imperfect,'" Hazelbaker said.
"Everybody knows that Obama was exceptionally bright and hardworking from a young age. What most people don't know is that he was concentrating all that early brilliance and hard work on tearing down this great country."
According to Hazelbaker, at around the same time Obama started palling around with Ayers---"They met at the Lincoln Park Zoo. Ayers was responding to an ad Obama had placed in the classified section of the Daily Worker looking for someone to ghost write his homework assignment, 'How I Spent My Summer Vacation," said Hazelbaker---he was already a committed radical who had helped Abbie Hoffman and Jerry Rubin instigate the riots at the 1968 Democratic National Convention in Chicago.
In 1969, Obama was indicted and put on trial along with Hoffman and Rubin and other activists who together became known as the Chicago Seven.
"They were originally known as the Chicago Seven and a Half Men," said Hazelbaker, "But Obama's lawyer succeeded in having his case severed from the others and ultimately dismissed on the grounds that he was missing too much school."
"His teacher gave a lot of homework and he was falling behind in math," Hazelbaker said. "As if."
Reached for comment, Obama's lawyer at the time, John Edwards, who was then a fifteen year old Boy Scout working on his Jurisprudence merit badge, said, "They were learning the multiplication tables that year. It's no wonder he was cranky and rebellious. The judge understood because his own grandchildren were dropping acid and running away to Haight-Ashbury because they couldn't handle long division."
Before the charges were dropped, Obama did stand trial for several days, during which he had to be physically restrained in his chair and gagged.
"He kept interrupting the proceedings to shout 'Let's go Mets! Let's go Mets!' It was ironic," Edwards recalled in a phone conversation while he was in the barber chair for a 20 dollar trim at Master Cuts. "He was a Cubs fan and he was protesting the Cubs' collapse that year. They blew a 9 and a half game lead going into September!"
Some of his former grade school classmates have speculated that the Cubs' failure to make the play-offs that year broke Obama's heart and turned him against America.
But Hazelbaker says the McCain campaign has uncovered evidence that the young Barack's hatred for his country began well-before third grade. In fact, Hazelbaker says, it may go back to his infancy.
"We think he was just born not one of us."
Hazelbaker produced computer enhanced enlargements of several key frames from the Zapruder film that she claimed clearly depict a two year old Barack Obama in his stroller beside the man with the umbrella on the grassy knoll in Dallas on November 22, 1963.
Hazelbaker says that the enlargements show the sun glinting off of what can only be the telescopic sight of a rifle in the toddler's hands, although some experts not affiliated with either candidate suggest that it could be the sun glinting off a baby bottle.
McCain staffers are also preparing ads that allege that Obama took part in the founding of the Students For a Democratic Society and wrote the first draft of the Port Huron Statement.
When it was pointed out that Obama was less than one year old when the Port Huron statement was written, Hazelbaker replied that it's well-known that Obama is a genius who was born able to read and write and speak in complete sentences.
"He was also born with a full set of teeth," she added. "More proof that he's the Anti-Christ."
"As if we needed more."
The baby Obama broke with the SDS after clashing with Tom Hayden over influences for the Statement's political philosophy. Hayden wanted to draw on the writings of Jefferson, Montesquieu, and Herbert Marcuse. Obama argued that the foremost influence should be Dr Seuss' radical writings on individual liberty and personal responsibility, The Cat in the Hat and The Cat in the Hat Comes Back, and Seuss' anti-materialistic manifesto, How the Grinch Stole Christmas. Obama submitted a draft that began, "All the Whos down in Whoville loved freedom a lot, but the grinches who lived in Washington did not!"
Anti-American activities continued through junior high school
Hazelbaker contends that the young Barack Obama wasn't content with having helped found two radical political organizations, incited a riot, and possibly plotted the assassination of a President.
"He was always very ambitious," Hazelbaker says, "Presumptuous, really."
The summer before sixth grade, according to Hazelbaker, Obama helped bring about the downfall of another President by planning and leading the Watergate Break-in.
Hazelbaker told the Gazette that in his unpublished autobiography E. Howard Hunt describes how the whole caper was organized by the fiendishly precocious young Obama, who had cooked it all up as a part of a plot to bring down Richard Nixon.
According to Hazelbaker, Hunt does not explain how an eleven year old boy managed to infiltrate the Committee to Re-elect the President and attach himself to the clandestine group of dirty tricksters and undercover hatchetmen known as the Plumbers, but however he managed it, his cover story must have been brilliant, Hazelbaker said, because Hunt did not begin to suspect Obama was actually working against the President until the morning after the break-in when Obama failed to show up at the arraignment of the other burglars who were arrested at the scene by police responding to a call from a security guard at the Watergate.
"Thinking it over later," Hazelbaker said, "Hunt dedudced that it must have been Obama who put the second strip of adhesive tape back on the door after the guard had discovered and removed the first strip."
"The Cubans weren't the brightest burglars ever caught carrying implements by night, but they were sharp enough to know that by putting the tape back they would have essentially putting up a neon sign alerting the guard that someone was in the building who wasn't supposed to be."
Hunt concluded that the tape had been put there by someone who wanted the mission to fail and he decided that someone was the young Obama.
"He knew that it wouldn't be shrugged off as a third-rate burglary," Hazelbaker said, "He meant for the whole thing to come out and embarrass President Nixon and ultimately lead to his resigning in disgrace. One thing Obama's supporters have been right about. He has a preternatural sense of how history works."
No one from the Obama campaign would discuss this on the record, but one source close to Obama speaking anonymously said that when he was in junior high school Obama was known as something of a prankster and he might have thought the burglary was part of an elaborate practical joke.
Hazelbaker calls that explanation "nonsense."
"Everyone knows liberals don't have a sense of humor."
Crush on Patty Hearst
Even before Nixon resigned, the pre-pubescent Obama had moved on to a new, even more dangerous caper, according to Hazelbaker. The kidnapping of newspaper heiress Patty Hearst.
"He planned the whole thing," Hazelbaker alleged. "But I don't think he counted on a couple of things. One was that the man he'd appointed to be his stand-in in public as leader of the Symbionese Liberation Army, was a real nutjob. He took things in a direction Obama couldn't have imagined when he instigated the plot. The other is that he didn't expect to fall in love."
Hazelbaker claims that during her captivity, Hearst and Obama formed a romantic friendship that continued long after her capture and arrest.
Hearst, in a telephone interview with the Gazette, denied that Obama was ever part of the group that kidnapped her and says she is prepared to swear under oath that she and Obama did not meet until sometime afterwards, although she can't remember the precise circumstances.
She does admit that the two had feelings for one another.
"It was a severe case of puppy love on his part and a giant almost No-no on mine," she said. Hearst says she tried to discourage him but he persisted in his crush well into high school.
"He invited me to the Homecoming Dance his sophomore year," she remembered. "I couldn't go, of course. I was in jail."
Democratic and liberal defenders of Obama have been quick to point out the utter absurdity of all this.
"He was a kid, for crying out loud," said Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton at a hastily called press conference in Scranton, PA, where she is pretending to stump enthusiastically for Obama. As reporters intensely studied her body language for any sign that her heart wasn't really in her defense of her one-time rival for the Democratic nomination, Clinton told them, "Yes, his mother was a single mom who worked all day, but she was tough. He had a curfew. It's hard to be a revolutionary when you have to be home for supper every night."
Other Obama supporters have wondered why, if Obama has always been such a radical, more signs of it haven't shown up in his writings and speeches or in any of the policies he's advanced or advocated in his years in public office and on the campaign trail.
As the progressive blogger who goes by the nom de web Hilzoy puts it:
"[The revisitation of the Ayers non-story] is delusional. It would be interesting to ask, for instance, why so few of Obama's law students have come forward to talk about his attempt to transform them into Maoist cadres, or why the lawyers in his firm have not mentioned his commitment to cultural revolution, or how he has managed to conceal his desire to nationalize the means of production from, well, everyone. Was he secretly plotting to get asked, unexpectedly, to speak at the Democratic Convention, take a chance on running for President, and succeed, back when he was on the Harvard Law Review? That, plus absolutely iron self-control, might explain why no one caught a glimpse of Obama's secret radicalism: he has been concealing it for decades, the better to bore away at our bourgeois institutions."
But Hazelbaker has an answer to this.
She says that Obama has been concealing his radicalism for decades in order to make himself acceptable as a Presidential candidate.
"That's been his plan all along," she says. "Sometime during his senior year in high school, Barack Obama decided that he would have a better chance of destroying America from within and that the best way to get inside and acquire the necessary power to do that would be to get himself elected President someday."
"He decided to lie low," she said. "And for almost thirty years he did lie low. He turned himself from a revolutionary firebrand and angry, violent radical into a seemingly calm, cool, almost too calm, centrist, who worked hard and followed the rules and had no greater ambition for the country than changing the tone in Washington."
This was also the time when Obama decided to become black, Hazelbaker said.
Up until it was time to apply for college and he needed to take advantage of affirmative action programs to get admitted to elite schools like Columbia where his "foreign" ways would go unnoticed, Barack Obama was just a white guy with dark skin, according to Hazelbaker.
"As all good Republicans know, after Martin Luther King died, America came to its senses about race and we became a color blind society," Hazelbaker said. "It was impossible for anyone except liberals to be racist anymore. Liberals kept to their old black-white view of the world in order to maintain their paternalistic welfare politics that kept African-Americans dependent on government handouts and so prevented them from joining country clubs and moving into neighborhoods with good private schools.
"So really, up until he was a senior in high school, neither Barack Obama nor anyone around him thought of him as black."
"Actually," Hazelbaker contiuned, "Up until then Obama identified completely with his mother's Irish heritage. He even called himself Barry O'Bama."
But Hazelbaker was quick to add, "That doesn't mean he was as American as corned beef and cabbage and green beer."
"We have evidence that he had ties to the IRA," she said. "In fact, we're pretty sure he lost his cherry to Bernadette Devlin."