Welcome back, folks. I know you're all anxious to bring Pen-Elayne back out here to pick up where she left off last week, continuing the work Ken Houghton began the week before chronicling the first of the 99 parts of Aaron Sorkin's penultimate Studio 60 story arc, and get her started on tonight's live-blogging, but before we do, a few announcements.
We tried to keep this out of the papers, but many of you probably heard that our former manager had a nervous breakdown on the air last week. We were much concerned at the time, but it turns out he was faking. It was part of his plot. What really happened is that while he was on stage, his accomplices were cleaning out the safe in his office. He absconded with several thousand in cash, some of our guests' jewelry, and three of our best waitresses. While we deplore the robbery we have to admire him for that last part. Previous managers have managed to get out of here with only one waitress, Betty, our sous-chef's daughter, and they've always sent her back.
If you've seen our sous-chef you'll know why. Betty's a chip off the old block.
But last week the manager left here with three waitresses in tow, one of them Betty, of course, and we expect her back shortly. The other two were good looking and actually pretty good waitresses too and they were tough to replace at short notice. But we've managed to hire some new girls and we have a new manager who is determined to make the old place over, which is why we're asking you to excuse the mess. The painters will try to work around you as quietly as possible and the decorater says she'll have the drapes hung and her crew out of here by the first commercial break.
This explains why when she does come out here Elayne will be wearing a hard hat and coveralls. Everybody's been pitching in trying to get the place ready for tonight and Elayne is wizard with a power roller.
So please bear with us and try to be patient with the new waitresses and no pinching! They're all just out of the convent. Thank you. To make up for it, first round of drinks is on the house. No shoving at the bar!
That's all. Once again, Lance wishes he could be here with us in the comments, but you know how it is. With great power comes great responsibility and Doc Ock was sighted climbing the Chrysler Building.
Ladies and gentlemen, Pen-Elayne!
Damn, just stepped in the spackle again. Shows you how my day has been going.
But of course as bad as it is, it never seems to be as bad as that of the poor, poor, rich cast members of Studio 60, both the show and the show within. You have to admire poor rich Aaron Sorkin for trying to make us care about these highly-paid executives and performers by throwing all this tsuris in their way. "What tsuris," you ask? "What's tsuris?" you ask if you're not from the coast. Well, it's not my job to give you either Yiddish lessons or synopses, it's my job to, apparently, be a handywoman; besides, Lance has helpfully provided the link above to catch you up on Amanda Peet's pregnancy (she gave birth, as did her character Jordan, who hasn't been seen since and is rumored to be heading to that great Sorkin waiting-for-the-next-show room in the sky) and Simon's hauling off at the pressparazzi and Tom looking all cutely mopey over his brother's hostage situation, and actual conversation between Harriet and Danny that kept me awake more than the conversations between Harriet and Matt ever did, and of course the continuing adventures of Jack Rudolph, Action Executive
Transvestite (™ and © Ken Houghton), who is poised to do a little K&R before we all do some R&R. Which I'll need after this is done. Tell me, oh tell me it'll be done tonight!
And with that, let's paint the town red!
9:50 PM - Oh good, an Office marathon. Can't go wrong with those! Get well soon, Jenna Fischer!
9:53 - "...when my mom moved in with Jeff... and once again, it's my job to fix it..." oh man, Steve Carell is so brilliant he almost makes me want to see Evan Almighty.
9:57 - Aaaand the obligatory iPhone ad. I thought it would be more current with the YouTube cross-plug, and have that "dramatic chipmunk" playing...
9:59 - Well, when you get to high-five an elephant, where do you go from there, really?
10:01 - They're still "story so far"ing the first episode in this so-far-three-parter... oh good, at least it was brief. Makes you wonder, if they can synopsize that quickly, wasn't all that much going on...
10:03 - Excellent -- Jack Rudolph, Action Synopsizer!
10:04 - Go Simon, don't you apologize!
10:05 - "You're fi-- oh dang, I need a drink." Okay, I liked that little Action vs. Action chat.
10:06 - Is it just me, or does no hamburger in a fast food ad ever look appetizing?
10:08 - "A Brady took a Brady's life..." "...comin' through the rye..." Sorry, I just liked the actor's put-on accent in that soap opera ad.
10:09 - Ah good, Jack's got his alcohol. Love where he got it from!
"You can spar with me as much as you want." Yes please!
10:12 - Bill Maher shout-out! Topical!
10:14 - Oh dear, that wasn't exactly sotto voce, Matt, was it?
10:15 - No, no, no, Holly Hunter impressions were cute last week and just inappropriate in the faux hospital faux environment, Harriet. Tch.
10:16 - You know, Sorkin really could kill off Jordan. But the audience would be pretty pissed. It's not like Peet asked for it or anything.
10:17 - What does "doing a little Juliet Lewis" mean? I mean, is there a Mini Me version of her somewhere?
10:18 - Yes, Simon looked great backlit like that. Almost as though he were still on a TV show.
10:19 - He has a house in Hawai'i! Poor, poor rich man!
10:20 - Ooh, Army guy suspects lawyer gal. Way to skulk, Mary!
10:23 - Okay, this pharmaceutical gets rid of cholesterol. Doesn't that mean it gets rid of "the good chol" as well as "the bad chol"?
10:24 - "Why is America's Got Talent the number one show?" Where do I begin to answer what's wrong with that question?
10:26 - You know, a camera shot through a door AND blinds is a bit much for my eyes at this hour.
10:27 - Okay look, the "vinyl record" distraction was just superfluous and not believable. So, stop it.
10:29 - "All just a little bit of history repeating" doesn't segue easily into Jason Alexander "five years ago."
No, "away homer" is what A-Rod hits when the Yanks are in Colorado...
10:30 - We're not ever going to actually see a single line of this so-called dangerous sketch from five years back, are we?
10:32 - Another complication for Jordan? Well,of course, it's only halfway through...
10:33 - Not for nothing, but with all this stuff going on with Jordan shouldn't there be more than one doctor? I mean, there would be in real life but they don't want to pay more than one guest actor maybe...
Oh yeah, prayer, that'll help. I actually think the Holly Hunter impression was a better idea.
10:35 - Geez lady, next time you want to drive a Beemer just buy shoes without heels.
10:37 - Is anyone else sensing ANY forward movement? Gah, this is like swimming through molasses.
10:38 - Excellent, Jack and Matt schmoozing. We're going back five years again in a moment, aren't we?
10:39 - Oh yes, telling hysterical reactionaries they're hysterical reactionaries always works.
Aaaand right on time, five years earlier. Why did Wes go into the hospital and get sicker? No wait, that's Jordan in the present, never mind.
10:40 - Ooh, talk radio looks pretty on a televised computer!
10:41 - A Foo List? Good thing we have the Foo Fighters!
10:43 - Oh god, PLEASE let there be a resolution of SOMEthing now that Army guy's phone is ringing!
10:44 - Nooo, that wasn't a resolution either.
10:46 - Where's the Pacing Fairy when you need her? Seriously, it's all soooo slooooow that I find myself drifting off with nary a care about these characters.
10:49 - Wow, Harriet's being real brave reminding us again that these characters are all poor, poor rich people!
10:50 - Danny Tripp, Action Something-or-other!
Wow, he walked out of the chapel. Pretty good.
10:51 - Just two drunk guys talking... heh, Simon's on a roll again. But really, don't write an apology speech when you've been drinking...
10:53 - Yes, true patriotism really is that fragile. And yes, it's 7th grade social studies stuff. I miss 7th grade social studies.
10:54 - Well, looks like there's gonna be a part IV. I'm so not here for that one! Seriously Lance, this is really tough.
10:55 - Mary's bad hair is the most real thing about this show so far.
10:56 - Ghoulish? This whole storyline is ghoulish!
10:57 - She's. Not. His. Daughter.
10:58 - Danny on his knees was fairly predictable, but a very very weak ending. Unless he was praying for a resolution, in which case I think we should all join him. Won't you pray with me?
My father, who art in heaven and has been for the past few months, I know what you'd say. "What are you wasting your time with this?" Well, it's kinda fun, Dad. Anyway, is there some way you could maybe get Matt and Danny back together again in the present time? Or, you know, find me something else to watch? Yeah, I know, the Yankees are playing again tomorrow, and at least baseball has a resolution as long as it's not an All-Star Game. Anyway, off to watch The Daily Show, so y'all are on your own. No, I have no ending either. Y'all should be used to that after these last few shows...
Thank you, thank you, thank you, Pen-Elayne! Wasn't she great, folks? And how about the way she handled the scaffolding collapse at the 10:24 mark without missing a beat? By the way, the painter's assistant's going to be fine. Just had the wind knocked out of him.
Elayne, before you go, could you give that wall in the men's dressing room a second coat of callalilly? Thanks.
We have to clear out a little early tonight, folks. Usually the bar and the dance floor would remain open all night. But the building inspector was in and he's claiming we have several code violations and we have to bri---go over some things with him. Careful on your way out. Those wires are live.
By the way, Betty's back. She reports that the cops caught up with her and our former manager just outside Osceola. She and her dad, our sous-chef, had a tearful reunion, as usual, and then they settled down to watch the last few innings of the Yankee game together, which made them happy because they're Red Sox fans. Sox are now ten and a half up on the Yanks so as far as Betty and her dad are concerned tonight had a happy ending.
Not so those of us who watched Studio 60 who are now left to wonder if Sorkin could finish a walk across the room let alone a story line.
We'll find out next week what plots and subplots get closed and what ones will stay open forever or until he gets another new show to use to work out left over issues from his days on Studio 60 the way he's used Studio 60 to work out issues left over from The West Wing.
Goodnight and thanks again, Elayne!
Oh jeez. Will somebody help her get that bucket of paint off her head?