Why this fool fell in love

David Zinczenko of Men's Health has a column explaining what his magazine's readers are looking for in the women they expect to fall in love with.

Just a guess here, but I'd bet that on a list of the type of men sensible women are on the lookout to avoid falling in love with, high up on that list is Men who subscribe to Men's Health.  Not as high up as Men with jailhouse tattoos and Men who count their baseball card collections as among their most prized possessions, but definitely above Men who can't open a jar of tomato sauce and Men who think Britney's hot.

Now I am old, I am old, I wear my trousers rolled, and I haven't fallen in love in a thousand years and I'm not looking to for at least another thousand.  The last time I fell truly, madly, deeply in love I was in college and, my memory's a little hazy, either I liked that one so much I never felt a need to repeat the experience or I learned my lesson good and proper.  Whichever it was, I'm long out of practice and therefore have no business offering advice to young men setting out to fall in love or laughing at their foolishness as they go about it.  I'm sure I was as foolish, I just don't remember exactly in what ways.

I'm fairly certain, though, of a couple of things.

I did not have a list of ideal qualities I was looking for in my potential soulmate.

And I never used or even thought the word soulmate.

There were periods of loneliness and self-pity when I wasn't dating anyone regularly when I might think to myself, "I want someone who will love me for me." 

Probably didn't consider that at that moment what I was wishing for was a girl who would be attracted to a whiny, adolescently narcissistic, self-pitying, self-centered loser.  Such girls were out there.  And generally my instincts told me to steer way clear of them.

Otherwise, I did not keep a list.

I did have a list of ideal physical traits for a woman I wanted to see naked.  Back then falling in love was synonymous with having lots of great sex, so to some degree I probably confused what a person looked like with what she was like.  According to Zinczenko, a Harris poll shows that only 8 per cent of men consider sex one of the most important aspects of a relationship.  I think this is only because most men think of sex as a given.  (Boy, are they in for a surprise.)  Asking them if sex is important is like asking them if species and a minimum of ex-boyfriends with bad tempers and automatic weapons are important.  Goes without saying.  I had my list of what I was looking for in a woman whose body I expected to see naked on a regular basis, and it was a very specific list.  I fell in love, seriously in love, four times, and not one of those women matched my list or each other.  I wish I had a photograph of the four of them lined up so you could see for yourself, but trust me, you would not be able to guess what my type was or what items were on my list, they were all that different in coloring, size, and body shape.

Pretty eyes.

They all had pretty eyes.

Furthermore, if I had a photograph to show you of the four I was in love with along with the ten others I thought I was in love with you'd conclude that my interest in women was purely anthropological, that I was going after them the way lepidoptorists go after butterflies, intent on collecting and cataloging every known species and variety on the planet.

What I conclude from this is that lists are for the birds.

There's no point in having a list because you're going to throw it out the window every time you actually fall in love.  More to the point, if you have a list and you try to fill it you will never fall in love.  Not with a real person, at any rate.  If you aren't continually rejecting people out of hand, you will fall in love with an illusion embodied in a person you think fills the list or who is consciously trying to be like the person you've invented with your list.

Lists are about the listmaker anyway.  Your list of what you are looking for in a soulmate is actually a list of things a potential soulmate ought to be warned about when it comes to you.

And so it turns out with the Men's Health List.

Here are the four most important qualities Zinczenko says his readers want in the woman they fall in love with.  They want her to be:

1. A woman with a passion in something other than him.

2.  A woman with no problem with guy time.

3.  A woman with a strut.

4.  A woman with good taste in ties.

An intelligent eye will spot immediately, without having to look over Zinczenko's "analysis," that boiled down what Zinczenko's readers are looking for is a hot woman who will leave her man alone except when he wants sex or dinner.

Only the first item is, on the face of it, more about the listee than the list-er.  But when you read Zinczenko's copy, you see right away that these men don't really want a woman with a career or a hobby or a cause that they are dedicated to.  They just don't want a woman who has time or the interest to bother them with details about that part of their lives they spend together, especially that part of it that requires them to talk about the ways he's been ignoring her.  So in fact number one is simply a hypocritical version of number two, and number two is the thesis underlying all four, which is, as I said, that the perfect woman is only around when the guy is horny or hungry.

Number three, the strut, Zinczenko tries his best to define as confidence.  But it turns out to be the kind of confidence that comes from being able to make other guys jealous and not the kind that causes her to actually stand up for herself.

And number four is just the age old expectation that the woman will take care of all those little domestic matters that bore the guy and take his time and attention away from himself, shopping, housework, sending out the birthday cards, remembering to call his mother.

Zinczenko tries to sell his list as proof that contrary to some unspecified stereotype young men today are romantics.  They want to fall in love and when they fall in love it will be forever, and ever.

What the list shows is that they are tired of dating but want a girlfriend who will be alternately a wife and a one-night stand and in neither case demanding that he make any effort on their behalf.

As I said, the last time I was looking to fall in love I was in college, where, frankly, I had it fairly easy.  I was surrounded by lots of nice, pretty girls who were willing to like me not for who I was but for how much fun they would have with me if we went out for pizza and a movie this Friday night, and that was about the extent of their demands on me and mine on them.  None of us was looking much past the weekend and most of us were pretty casual about romance because we took it for granted that at some point soon we'd meet and fall in love someone special and that would be it for at least the next few decades

Which is what happened to just about everybody I knew back then.

Consequently I missed out on the joys---and horrors---of dating in your late twenties and early thirties and beyond, and since most of my friends were similarly settled down, I didn't hear many tales first-hand of life among the unattached and lonely.  So I don't have any idea of what kind of swinging single I'd have been and I should reserve judgment, I suppose.

But my sons are 11 and 14 now.  Neither one is particularly interested in girls yet.  The 14 year old tells me he's not ready to date.  The 11 year old has a timetable.  First date at 16, first serious girlfriend when he's in college.  But, he says, you can't make plans beyond that because you don't know where life's going to take you.

So neither one has asked me for any advice about women yet.  If they're smart, they never will.

The Men's Health list has me thinking though.  If they do ask, what will I advise?

Only one hard and fast rule springs to mind.

Make sure you like her parents and they like you.

But I'm starting a list, just to be ready.  I think it's a useful list for men and women, gays or straights.

Things to look for in a person you're thinking you might be falling in love with.

No recent self-inflicted wounds.

No issues with food.

Should like pets, but not unduly.

Should like kids, but not sentimentally or excessively or immediately.

Can get through an entire conversation without mentioning where he/she went to college/high school/Catholic grade school.  Double points if she/he went to Harvard.

Refrains from saying, "I don't know what you see in that person/movie/sport/hobby/pizza topping," even though you know he/she's thinking just that.

Should not make a habit of making decisions for you.

Does not have to laugh every time at your favorite joke, but should understand why you think it's funny, even if it's not, and doesn't roll his/her eyes when you tell it for the hundredth time.

Is not best friends with his/her mother.

Is not collecting a toy/comic book/other item he/she loved when he/she was eight; however, if he/she still has toys/comic books/other items he/she loved when he/she was eight this is probably ok, but should be judged on a case by case basis.

Does not mind if you still have and will never part with toys/comic books/other items you loved when you were eight.

Is polite and friendly towards sales clerks, waiters, waitresses, and other people in low-level service jobs even when those people are rude, sullen, and incompetent.

If they have a blog, the blog is not devoted to a celebrity/single politician/single obscure moment in world history/old boyfriend/girlfriend/dead pet.

Should shower/shave/comb hair/brush teeth/change into clean underwear/make bed/do dishes/clean cat box/empty ash trays/throw out pizza boxes daily where applicable and practical, more than twice a week in all other cases.

Never says, Let's get high! with more enthusiasm than he/she says Let's make love! or Let's go to the movies!

Should say Let's go to the movies with enthusiasm.  Should not mean Let's go see Saw III.

Does not ever have to say Let's make love!  but should seduce you on a regular basis and express enthusiasm when you attempt to seduce him/her.

Will sit with you and hold your hair back without complaint when you are kneeling at the toilet throwing up, even if it's your own fault because you drank or ate too much, especially, however, when you are really sick.

Does not require you to sit with him/her holding his/her hair back when he/she's kneeling at the toilet throwing up from drinking too much more than once or twice a year when you are both under 25, more than once or twice a decade when you are over 30.  25-30 is a gray area and must be evaluated according to circumstances.

Likes you for who you are when you are at your best as well as when you are at your worst, and believe me that's tough for some people.

You like them when they are at their best and at their worst.

That's enough for now.  If you've got more, add them in the comments.  Let's save the younger generation from the mistakes the Men's Health readers are about to make.

Comments

[Holdie Lewie]

Is not in need of rescuing. If someone brings out your desire to rescue him or her (from a sad childhood, from abusive parents, from an abusive ex, from the sad death of a sibling, from depression or alcoholism), then back away. It's gonna end badly, so you might as well let it end badly now and not later.

[Juno]

Unseemly levels of enthusiasm for a sporting team or activity I would put up there with the active pursuit of collectible ephemera from childhood.
Sports fan is not the first or even 5th thing an adult human male ought to list as part of his character.

Inclined to embrace the complexity of human beings in general and their partner/friends/children specifically.

[Rana]

In the event of an emergency (car crash, tornado, health crisis, stove fire, whatever) does not run around screaming and waving his or her arms uselessly, but, even if scared and freaked out, tries to do the right thing.

[Shakespeare's Sister]

There's only one rule, as far as I'm concerned: S/he makes it all worth it.

Mr. Shakes can drive me absolutely batshit fricking insane, can make me angrier than anyone's ever made me, can aggravate me to total distraction, can push my buttons until I'm thisclose to exploding, can get on my last good nerve like no one else on the planet. But he makes it all worth it.

And I try to do the same in return, because none of that other crap matters as long as you're still happy to see each other come through the door.

[catherine]

I agree with you and usually steer clear of men who read Men's Health, although I try not to immediately rule them out for it, either.

As I get older, I appreciate a man who is okay with me having girl time and wanting to do some things by myself.

And a man who is okay with the fact that I make my own, very good salary. I don't need financial rescuing which is unusual and more men then you would think are insecure about my income level.

[Jennifer]

Find somebody you could live without and yet don't want to.

Also, take a long car trip with the person and by long, I'm talking thousands of miles. If you can enjoy that, you might have someone worth keeping.

[grasshopper]

Not a list-maker, I maintained age, appearance, race, religion, health, having money or not, all made no difference if the person was right. And while I never out of pure passion exactly tested this idea, I believed that if the person was right, even his or her sex need not matter. If the person was right, we'd figure out something satisfying and sweet.

Not bad ideas, really, except that I happened to fall desperately in love with a number of people who were terrible for me. Yet I loved them beyond all shame. But even then, even as I suffered over them, I knew it would not stay that way forever. I would not always feel shame. Sooner or later, I'd find someone better.

Unasked, I offered my children advice. One: expect it to hurt; somewhere, at sometime, love hurts. Two: Look for someone who truly wants you to reach your potential and expects you to return the favor. Three: Be prepared to change. Allow for human frailty. Cheer each other on and help each other out.

[Luke]

Hey this was an amazing blog. Add more of this stuff and get awsome

[Henry Holland]

S/he doesn't freak out that, even though you've been together for a few years, you want to spend an occasional Saturday night with someone other than them.

S/he doesn't, as soon as you've both said "I love you", want to move to the far suburbs, so far away that all your friends can't be bothered to visit your new love nest (from hell) and, in fact, within 6 months, will stop calling you altogether to go do things because you always say "Ah, dunno, it we do that, we'll have to leave at 7:00 pm because it's such a long drive home and I have to get to bed early because I now have a 2 hour commute in the morning".

S/he doesn't get jealous and resentful that you like something they don't, such as say, going to baseball games or the opera. Instead of seeing it as a threat that you do like those things (i.e. "OMG! OMG! We don't have the EXACT same interests! The relationship is flawed!"), they take it as an opportunity, while you're doing those things, to do stuff *they* like that you don't.

For gay male couples, a partner that doesn't assume that just because you're roughly the same pant/shirt size, that your wardrobe is theirs as well.

[Ken Houghton]

"Should say Let's go to the movies with enthusiasm. Should not mean Let's go see Saw III."

I have a coworker (significantly younger than either of us) whose first date with her current LIB/fiance was SAW; they now celebrate their "anniversary" with the latest release.

It's a good general rule, but exceptions should be noted.

I'll also defend "a woman with good taste in ties." (Well, I would if he didn't open the 'graf with "Okay, so we don't really care about the ties per se.") Color-blindness (the real one, not the Stephen Colbert one) is much more prevalent in men than women, and I, for one, need all the help I can get in picking out an appropriate tie for the green shirt, tan slacks, and blue waistcoat.

[DC]

While it flies in the face of Lance's comments, I suspect I'd be much more inclined to fall in love with a woman with awful, terrible, mind-numbing taste in ties than one who will remind me that "red is a power color."

[KC45s]

So that I collect Hot Wheels cars makes me a bad risk, if not unworthy of love? Phew. That's a relief. Because I thought it was my stalking through the local forest with an axe that kept causing the problems.

But seriously, folks. To second or add to items on the ongoing list, I would say there must be agreement, agreement to disagree, or at least detente on the cat vs. dog issue; the morning person vs. night person issue; and the Henry Blake vs. Col. Potter issue (variants of this apply to many TV shows).

[Linkmeister]

[tongue in cheek]

Avoid the tie issue: move to Hawai'i (I haven't worn a tie in 25 years). It has other benefits as well as drawbacks, but...

[/end tongue in cheek]

[Rana]

I thought of another one - look for someone that you can fight fair with. Some fighting is inevitable; the trick is making sure it doesn't tear you apart.

[alice]

So she sits with you while you puke but you don't have to sit with her while she pukes?

Been married for 18 years. We each puke alone.

[mac macgillicuddy]

One thing on the list:

Doesn't make lists about this sort of thing.

[Chris]

Is not someone you think will/needs to be saved via your being with him/her.

[Raenelle]

One head-scratcher from your list--what's wrong with liking pets "unduly"? What does that even mean?

The best advice I ever heard about how to judge a relationship, once you're in one that is, came from Hugh Jackman of all people: If it brings out the best in you, it's working; then, don't throw it away.

[Lance]

Raenelle: One head-scratcher from your list--what's wrong with liking pets "unduly"? What does that even mean?

R, baby talk, little outfits, more than three of any one type of pet except fish. It's a judgment call, but it's a matter of perspective and being grounded in reality.

[Ian Welsh]

Is passionate about something. I don't much care what - I'm not into music, for example, but I tend to really get along with serious musicians and music fans - but something.

[Lesley]

Just a guess here, but I'd bet that on a list of the type of men sensible women are on the lookout to avoid falling in love with, high up on that list is Men who subscribe to Men's Health.

You're bang on with this one. Men who view women as objects should opt for a realdoll they can stuff back in the closet when they're done. Cripes almighty, if you need a list like the one the columnist advises you want a robot, not a human being in your life.

As for the list you'd give your sons, most of what's on it is practical for any relationship involving more than just acquaintanceship.

[Lesley]

Oh yeah, and re the puking item. There's no way I want someone watching me puke (too humiliating and ghastly), although I can comfort someone else with no problem. Thank God no guy of mine has hair long enough to require holding back. I'm way past those days :)

[Matt T.]

Only thing I can think of is in response to the "must like children" sort of thing. That is, if s/he likes and wants children and you don't - or vice versa - seperate as soon as painlessly possible. If one is passionate enough about the subject, I'd throw in religion and politics and the like, as well, but that all depends on one's own ability to compromise/shut the hell up at the proper moments. But don't mess around on the kids issue. It's not the kids' fault but they're invariably the ones who suffer the most in that scenario.

From the perspective of some who's avoiding the whole damn thing, the dating scene for the average single (as in totally unattatched) person looks pretty damn bleak. At the risk of making an unneccesarily broad generalization, it seems sometimes that all the guys are dating hell-raisin' college girls with cast-iron livers and lots of patience for video games, and all the women are dating cats 10-20 years older in what appears to be the hope that by that age men stop being immature assholes. Then there are those who've got someone they've been with for five years and all they're waiting for with regards to matrimony is impending parenthood, shared benefits, or simply the striking urge.

Some of those long-term deals aren't pretty. Sad, desperate people holding on to each other because they're scared of being alone or they think no one else will love them or they're just assholes so they treat everyone like they're assholes, so they do and/or put up with all kinds of horrible stuff. I hear about these people getting married and I have to leave the room, 'cause I know they don't want to hear it.

I'd wager more, though, are pretty cool people individually and make for pretty cool couples. I know a surprisingly large number (to me, anyway, but I'm a cynic) of incredibly cool couples my age and when they say they're getting hitched, though the idea of marriage gives me the screaming heebie jeebies, I think "Yeah, rock on!" 'cause some folks just give off that vibe.

So, unless you're into massive amounts of unneccessary drama, those folks are out of the picture. Then there's the whole divorced/single parent minefield to navigate. The kids can't not be a huge issue that has to be dealt with constantly when in a relationship with a parent. Otherwise, well...doesn't that seem like courting disaster on all sorts of levels?

I'll be 32 in a couple weeks, and it's been two-plus years since I made a conscious decision to not persue romantic relationships. It's not primarily because of my admittedly poor reasoning above, but it was brought up. I prefer being unattatched to being part of a couple - and that's the gist of it, too - so my perception is definately skewered, as well. That being said, I don't miss a bit of it.

I do enjoy seeing it work out for other folks, though. Simple pleasures in life and all that.

[marjo]

Most important, whether male or female: can take care of one's self. When I stopped looking for a man to take care of me, I found a man I wanted to be with, and vice versa, and yet we weren't in each other's face all the time, we could be together or alone, we enhanced each other. Deciding to be with him was not out of NEED as much as CHOICE.

Most other rules I made became null and void when I met hubby, just as Lance said. In some ways, he was the opposite from what I was looking for. but together 17 years this April, married 14 in May.

[chris]

I used to have list than the older I got the more I realized that the list was not what I really wanted.
Most of the girls who fit into that list and made me miserable.

[Ryan M]

I liked the T.S. Eliot reference, about the trousers being rolled.

I don't know if anyone else caught that.