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velvet goldmine

I can't remember if you're workshopping this story or just posting it as you get deeper into it, but if it's the former: What's really making this story crackle is the dialogue.

Something in the little exchange in this part, in fact, is the first time anything in it has hit my ear a little slantwise. I know Stephen's just turned up, but would he use the word "orgasm" in this context? He doesn't seem like the kind of guy who would be careful to use a respectful-cum-clinical term like that, especially when there's that hum of hostility underneath.

God, I hate myself for using workshopping as a verb.

Lance

VG,

Good point. I think he'd be watching his language a bit in the situation. But you're right, there's a great awkwardness in the phrasing that sounds like my fault not his. I'll work on it.

By the way, we went to Marion's. Got a chicken pot pie for dinner one night. Delicious. Had a bumbleberry pie for dessert. Also delicious.

grasshopper

Are you still considering making changes to this story? Not that you aren't free to change whatever you want, whenever you want. But usually at some point, a writer declares him or herself finished. The End.
I'm no clearer as to the story's sequencing, but it is true the dialogue here is so good that the before and after hardly matter here. Still, to pull the thing together, at some point, you need to give the reader a sense of: beginning, middle, end, even if you're playing with time; showing how surreal it can be, etc. So: More, sir. Please can we have some more?

velvet goldmine

You know, I realize that I asked you to go to Marion's, but please forgive me for saying: you bastard.

Like grasshopper (mmmm....grasshopper pie!), I'm a little hazy on the chronology of the story, but it's certainly been damn interesting so far.

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